(803): Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?

(847): The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

(419): I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.

(256): My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.

(207): My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar

(734): The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.

(416): Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!

(828): I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

(970): She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.

(210): Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho

(631): I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?

(586): I mean a good dj is a huge turn on

(720): Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.

(618): After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...

(802): He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.

(407): he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.

(503): I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.

(972): Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.

(920): You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?

(212): Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.